I dream of you again, and I’m not angry. You beg for me back in your life, but I’m the one whose life you shattered. I’m being followed throughout my journey by a puppy, you. It’s only normal that I begin to change my mind. I would not have let you back, as much as I wanted to. I was too angry. I’m too sad now, and would love nothing more than for this pain to stop. ...
I may be a little less bitter, but I’m never going to forget. I just want to know if you ever think of me.. because I think of you. And I can’t hate you as much as I want to.
You know that feeling in your chest and abdomen when you think about someone you have strong feelings for? It’s overwhelming to say the least. I can’t think. I feel like I’m going to throw up, die, or if I’m lucky, both. I guess you could say I’m at a stage in my life where I’m fed up with everything and death just feels easier. I couldn’t hurt myself...
Falling in love, even in a dream, can reawaken parts of you long forgotten. And then I was attacked by zombie bears.
I don’t believe dreams hide some super hidden code, but that they put information from my brain into story mode. Thus I’ve never received a stronger response from one dream as the one I just had. Its almost silly, really. I was engaged in some romantic relationship with Neal Caffrey, and it appeared we were blissful just holding hands. For the past few years I’ve been so...
I was becoming depressed about my constipation. My anti-depressant was making me constipated. I stopped taking it and now I’m happy about shitting regularly. I just can’t stop myself from crying every 60 minutes. Well played, science.
Yesterday I walked 1.5 miles to Kaiser, and came upon two tricolor Australian Shepherds with an uncanny resemblance to Jake and you bet your ass I was back in September of 2008 and blaming myself for losing him. It doesn’t make sense how I can mourn the death of an animal so hard. I hate people. I don’t understand them. I get animals. And I got Jake.
All I remember from last night’s dream is Jake. He was alive and semi-well. He was living with a different family and they didn’t want to give him to me. All he needed was treatment for arthritis and he’d be fine. He wasn’t 15 years old as he was when he died. He was 10. I was 21 and it didn’t make sense. I didn’t care what was wrong. I just wanted to hold...
Papa can you hear me?
I sit here and rearrange the items in my purse, leaving out anything that is not necessary should I be in custody of LA County. I’m thinking ahead, ready to talk to the judge on Tuesday to tell him ‘“I tried doing community service, I physically can’t.” I am ready to put this bullshit behind me. I want to get it over with so I can move on and grow. I want to do...
Robert Plant KNOWS me
“Babe, baby baby I’m gonna leave you. I said baby, you know I’m gonna leave you. I’ll leave you in the summertime, leave you when the summer comes a-rollin, leave you when the summer comes along…” As if my life wasn’t fucked enough. Those lyrics describe one of my (many) problems. I could jump into anything with so much enthusiam, such vigor, that it...
I may have lost it, I think I did.
Boring nights like these are troublesome… to say the least. Only when I begin to think of how I’ve fucked up my life do I wonder how to change myself. I have done things I am ashamed of, that my family would disown me for. The sad thing is, that is the only reason I am ashamed. I want to say “FUCK YOU!” to everyone and just go do what I want to do. I can’t. It seemed...
Late Night Thoughts
I dream of things that happen to me, I feel them in my sleep. I birthed two children but my life was in danger. I have DVT and risked a heart attack as well. I wanted my kids. I had to get better so I could see them. I gave birth at 38. None of it made sense. I was rushed all throughout a hospital. Doctors, nurses, surgeons all talking to me and telling me where to go and when for whatever...
brains boiling over
It took a couple months of doing drugs again to finally realize how much I fucking hate people. Not just strangers or anything, but everyone. You’re thinking its the drugs that are affecting my patience and blah blah blah. Y’know what? you may be right. That doesn’t change the fact that people still annoy me anyways. It is just magnified now. Drugs or no drugs, I will always be...